me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
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Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
Yes beer, it’s definitely time to try out my karaoke skills on the front lawn again
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Playing guess the animal with 4yo.
4: it looks like a tiger.
Me: a lion?
Me: i give up
4: it’s a tiger
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564? before it went supernova?”
“U still owe me $20.”