@AndyAsAdjective

*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*

You Might Also Like

@mrjohndarby

me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao

executioner: just sit in the chair

@Smooheed

Yes beer, it’s definitely time to try out my karaoke skills on the front lawn again

@sameralkhoury

I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.

@skin_and_i

Playing guess the animal with 4yo.
4: it looks like a tiger.
Me: a lion?
4: no.
Me: leopard?
4: no.
Me: i give up
4: it’s a tiger

@SamanthaaaReece

I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV

@TheCatWhisprer

Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.

@sofarrsogud

WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!

ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!

@FrogAvalanche

[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564? before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”