*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*

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me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao

executioner: just sit in the chair


Yes beer, it’s definitely time to try out my karaoke skills on the front lawn again


I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.


Playing guess the animal with 4yo.
4: it looks like a tiger.
Me: a lion?
4: no.
Me: leopard?
4: no.
Me: i give up
4: it’s a tiger


I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV


Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.


WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!



[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564? before it went supernova?”
“U still owe me $20.”