Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
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Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.