State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
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Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not