State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.

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my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”


Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget


Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.


Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!


Him: I think we should see other people

Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why


You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.


Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.


The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.


My 14yo made fun of me this morning because I had to go to work while he had a snow day, so I changed the wifi password.


Give a banana to your uninvited house guest. Hold another banana up to your ear. Only respond to questions asked thru the “banana phone”.