Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
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Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
The Birdles
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.