I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
“State your name”
“Where are you from?”
“Your wife’s name”
“Your first zodiac murder”
You Might Also Like
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
Somewhere out there, my soulmate is adorably pushing on a pull door.
I just put a bra on for the first time in a week and nearly dislocated my shoulder.
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
*Ex wife yelling at me from driveway*
I HOPE YOU DIE A LONG AND PAINFUL DEATH!
Me- no babe I’m not moving back in