@Home_Halfway

“State your name”
Ted Cruz
“Where are you from?”
Texas
“Your wife’s name”
Heidi
“Your first zodiac murder”
1968
“Thank you”
You’re welc-WAIT

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@Darlainky

God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.

Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.

God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.

@nami_knows

Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle

@jonnysun

LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name

ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack

@13spencer

Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”

@JPLFR80

Somewhere out there, my soulmate is adorably pushing on a pull door.

@Duchess______

I just put a bra on for the first time in a week and nearly dislocated my shoulder.

@rickolantern

Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,

You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.

@goldengateblond

I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.

@Dr_Teflon

*Ex wife yelling at me from driveway*

I HOPE YOU DIE A LONG AND PAINFUL DEATH!

Me- no babe I’m not moving back in

Ex-…..