When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
You Might Also Like
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔