My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
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I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?