statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
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[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.