Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
You Might Also Like
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.