Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
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Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”