colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
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People who call the Bible a fairy tale forget that in fairy tales everyone lives happily ever after.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
If you stand in front of a mirror & repeat your top tweet 3X, your pretwitter self appears, smacks you & throws your phone in the toilet.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
i love pizza
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”