Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
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I think something went wrong here?!🤔
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Twitter is an abusement park.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.