@HousewifeOfHell

Stay in school, kids.

No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.

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@chaselyons

colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000

@TheTweetOfGod

People who call the Bible a fairy tale forget that in fairy tales everyone lives happily ever after.

@momtribevibe

My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.

@stephenjmolloy

Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.

Me: Great.

*later*

Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.

Me: I think there has been a mistake.

Professor: I said sit down.

@wickedsuga

If you stand in front of a mirror & repeat your top tweet 3X, your pretwitter self appears, smacks you & throws your phone in the toilet.

@pant_leg

teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot

@BlondAmbitionTO

When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.

@rickkondell

Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.

@causticbob

A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”