“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
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birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
Taking phone security to the next level.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.