“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice

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One time I saw a duck get hit by a wonder bread truck and that’s pretty much why I try not to get too ambitious


SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!


SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?

HERO: I’m in

SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.

HERO: My therapist said to try new things

SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward

HERO: I’ll get my stuff


[inventing allergies]

god: make them feel like shit

angel: from what

god: outside


That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.


You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?

“More Wine”


One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.

I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.


Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?


Autocorrect just changed “carnie” to “catnip” and now all my friends think I slept with a bunch of catnips last night.