@CatsVsHumanity
@Brampersandon_
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
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@Brampersandon_
@Reverend_Scott
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
@the_blacklisted
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
@jjhartinger
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
@kibblesmith
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
@oakhillbargrill
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
@Mr_Kapowski
“GOOOOOOOAAAAALLLLL”
-Soccerates
@stephenjmolloy
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
@joshcomers
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
@chudneyspears
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.