“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
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[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids