“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice

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There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours


people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.


Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.


<gets pulled over>

Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?

Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.


[Hillbilly court]

Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?

Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did


Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.


People say I have an unhealthy relationship with my cat, but we’ve lived together for 9 years and we still have sex like 3 times a week


Spongebob will get his license before Taylor Swift finds love.