One time I saw a duck get hit by a wonder bread truck and that’s pretty much why I try not to get too ambitious
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
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SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Autocorrect just changed “carnie” to “catnip” and now all my friends think I slept with a bunch of catnips last night.
What’s the password to the microwave?
4 year old