@CatsVsHumanity

“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice

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@kpcuk

There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours

@wolfpupy

people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.

@jwoodham

Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.

@AtticusFinch79

<gets pulled over>

Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?

Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.

@ShortSleeveSuit

[Hillbilly court]

Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?

Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did

@Smethanie

Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.

@weismanjake

People say I have an unhealthy relationship with my cat, but we’ve lived together for 9 years and we still have sex like 3 times a week

@Damnsotrue

Spongebob will get his license before Taylor Swift finds love.