@MommaUnfiltered: My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.

@MarfSalvador: wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!

@UNTRESOR: Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don't like coffee. I'm gay.

@TheTweetOfGod: You call it lightning. I call it targeted airstrikes.

@GinAndJif: Pretend you’re in Game of Thrones by shouting “Open the gate!” as you stride purposefully towards an automatic door.