“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice

You Might Also Like


KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it

MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious


I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.


I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.


Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family


Spreads legs… Nope

Spreads two other legs …. Nope

Spreads two others …. Dammit, no

Spreads last two…. BINGO!!

– spider sex


Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”

Tim: “You did what?!”

Ian: “Baked you a pie.”


Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.


Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.