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@CatsVsHumanity: "Stay weird" she said, like I have a choice
@MommaUnfiltered: My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
@MarfSalvador: wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
@UNTRESOR: Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don't like coffee. I'm gay.
@TheTweetOfGod: You call it lightning. I call it targeted airstrikes.
@GinAndJif: Pretend you’re in Game of Thrones by shouting “Open the gate!” as you stride purposefully towards an automatic door.