@CatsVsHumanity

“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice

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@Brampersandon_

KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it

MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious

@Reverend_Scott

I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.

@jjhartinger

I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.

@kibblesmith

Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family

@oakhillbargrill

Spreads legs… Nope

Spreads two other legs …. Nope

Spreads two others …. Dammit, no

Spreads last two…. BINGO!!

– spider sex

@stephenjmolloy

Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”

Tim: “You did what?!”

Ian: “Baked you a pie.”

@joshcomers

Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.

@chudneyspears

Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.