There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
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people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
The REAL 5 second rule?
If you can get to it before the dog, it’s yours.
People say I have an unhealthy relationship with my cat, but we’ve lived together for 9 years and we still have sex like 3 times a week
Haters gonna hate, alligators gonna alligate
Spongebob will get his license before Taylor Swift finds love.