It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
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Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
rise and shine we got egg
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.