The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
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I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
so i’m at the stock market right
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
The Others (2001)
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”