the 5 girls who will absolutely ruin your life:
julia if you’re reading this bring my goldfish back
Staying at my daughter’s place again this weekend. Can’t wait till 3am so I can wake her to tell her there’s a moth in my room.
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I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: I thought pants would be different
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.