Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
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DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.