Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.

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I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.


Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.


[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force


Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience


Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.


Coworker: Man, it was cold last night!

Me: I had my heat on.

CW: I meant outside.

Me: I don’t live outside.



Date: Uhh seriously?

Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too

*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*


You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.


“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.

I’m doomed.


You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.