Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
You Might Also Like
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。