Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
You Might Also Like
Just a bush.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?