Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
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Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
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Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.