@Mindless4Miles

*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*

*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*

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@omgthatspunny

It’s not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn’t have the balls to do it

@rohunsharma__

joe : you pin his arms and i’ll-
barack : ….
barack : no joe
joe : it’ll be so easy come o-
barack : i said no

@ArfMeasures

GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational

ANGEL: ok cool

GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol

@MavenofHonor

Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies

@DrakeGatsby

Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do

Google: Call 911

Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE

@BombChelleMama

I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.

@morganastra

you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”

@traciebreaux

The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.

@skittle624

Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control

-me, in this hotel room