*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*

*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*

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It’s not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn’t have the balls to do it


joe : you pin his arms and i’ll-
barack : ….
barack : no joe
joe : it’ll be so easy come o-
barack : i said no


GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational

ANGEL: ok cool

GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol


Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies


Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do

Google: Call 911

Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE


I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.


you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”


The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.


Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control

-me, in this hotel room