@Mindless4Miles

*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*

*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*

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@caperbc75

I feel bad for that caveman who invented the wheel because you know his mother-in-law was all “She shoulda married Grog. He invented fire”

@Jake_Vig

The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.

@Marlebean

I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.

@dog_feelings

my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.

@karanbirtinna

My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.

@WickedCynic

If the guy behind me stands any closer I’m going to go in for a hug.

@briancthayer

*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*

Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.

@moren1ke

i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain

@FredTaming

[ cooking class ]
 
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
 
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd

@matt___nelson

[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”