*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*

*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*

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I feel bad for that caveman who invented the wheel because you know his mother-in-law was all “She shoulda married Grog. He invented fire”


The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.


I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.


my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.


My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.


If the guy behind me stands any closer I’m going to go in for a hug.


*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*

Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.


i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain


[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd


[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”