*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
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Wordle 241 1/6
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Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
nothing saves money like being antisocial
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF