cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
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bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”