@stewnami

Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.

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@batkaren

Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach

@VaChina1

Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.

@TallDarkHandsy

Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?

@AaronFullerton

Actors can get political in speeches if they want. Go for it. But imagine someone winning Wimbledon & going, “Yay! I won! Save the whales!”

@MourningGlory_

I just ate an entire bag of Werther’s and now I’m 80 years old, own a floral couch, smoke Virginia Slims, got a perm and my name is Shirley.

@WritePlay

*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT

@Dschnoeb

Someone who blocked me on Twitter just added me on Instagram. If you can’t love me at my bad jokes, you don’t deserve me at my cat photos.

@Love_bug1016

therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?

me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters

therapist: get out

@SirEviscerate

WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.