Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
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I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
Xylophonist Shredding It
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”