Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
You Might Also Like
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
I don’t think my car can fly
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
h
a
a
a
t