Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
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Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
Get off my horse you stupid moon
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
*performs CPR on the turkey*
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”