*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
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The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
ibopfufen
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
A huge thanks to the person that did this
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
notice
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy