Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
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I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
-Deer crossing the road
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
Interviewer: What is your biggest weakness
Me: Well, I don’t really want to do anything