talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
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things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal