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I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.