Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
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IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
True freaking story!
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
☠️☠️☠️
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
Ferrari squats
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.