Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it

T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all

[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]

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People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit need to learn how to manage their time better. Wake up an hour earlier.


Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?

Me: oh definitely Star Wars

Them: ……

Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away

Me: it’s also my favorite historical film


My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.

I am not shocked.


My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT


*buys a 3D printer*

*prints a 3D printer*

*returns 3D printer for a refund*


Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.


Meanwhile India is just blown away that you can get Britain to leave by voting


Of all the grotesque sounds coming from the bathroom stall next to me, the camera click was the most disturbing!!