Me. “I need to get some wrapping paper, shall we split up?”
Her. “Ok but I’m keeping the house”
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
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Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
My wife said that to make our marriage work, we both need to make sacrifices.
I’ve chosen a goat.
If you want to confuse a teen just ask them what the opposite of literally is.
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.