Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
You Might Also Like
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
🛁
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
j o i m p
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin