@noogscorner

Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.

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@DaddyJew

Her: is the game almost over?

Me: this is just the first half

Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?

Me: you’re pretty

@krisv_723

Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.

@lasergirl70

On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.

@UncleDuke1969

Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”

Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”

@SondraDeeMe

*does the robot*

*crowd goes wild*

*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*

@Try2StopME

A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’

*A Girl Passes by..*

Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”

@TheCatWhisprer

The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.

@mattZillaaaa

[job interview]

“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

Getting asked this question somewhere else