Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
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Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
I had sex with a girl on a first date once. Boy was her date pissed.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else