Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
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Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
we did it you guys we saved daylight
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.