Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
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Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
*seductively peels off lederhosen
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
Oh hi lol
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.