@jonnysun
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
@Xoolun
Step 1 Change your wifi password to blowmefirst.
Step 2 Wait for someone to ask for your wifi password.
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@jonnysun
@ThatMummyLife
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
@Sanbel11
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
@Carbosly
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
@briangaar
I’m just looking for a woman who is smart, funny & can drive a getaway car tomorrow morning at 8
@squirrel74wkgn
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
?????[ponytail appears]
@IanKarmel
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
@gabsmashh
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
@TheTweetOfGod
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
@jackiembouvier
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.