Step 1 Change your wifi password to blowmefirst.

Step 2 Wait for someone to ask for your wifi password.

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INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words


[police chasing man on foot]


Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.

Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.


Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.


My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.


I’m just looking for a woman who is smart, funny & can drive a getaway car tomorrow morning at 8


I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-

?????[ponytail appears]


22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”

29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”


ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintext

this guy is not your man.

this guy is mark zuckerberg.


“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!


Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.