@Xoolun

Step 1 Change your wifi password to blowmefirst.

Step 2 Wait for someone to ask for your wifi password.

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@jonnysun

INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words

@ThatMummyLife

[police chasing man on foot]

Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!

Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.

Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.

@Sanbel11

Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.

@Carbosly

My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.

@briangaar

I’m just looking for a woman who is smart, funny & can drive a getaway car tomorrow morning at 8

@squirrel74wkgn

I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-

?????[ponytail appears]

@IanKarmel

22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”

29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”

@gabsmashh

ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintext

this guy is not your man.

this guy is mark zuckerberg.

@TheTweetOfGod

“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!

@jackiembouvier

Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.