step 6: release the wall snake
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LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Not today
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69