Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
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One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
I think the cat got the dog high.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
CUTE CAT‼︎
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.