Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
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They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.