Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
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I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
SCARY COSTUME
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
“HELP WITH CAT”
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too