Behind every successful man stands a surprised woman and behind her stands the surprised mother-in-law and behind her,your surprised Dad.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
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A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Toilets are really just fart amplifiers when you are trying to be quiet.
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
‘Twas the day before Christmas, and all through the mall
There were multiple reports of trampling injuries.
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”
Actually I am.
I’m technically a serial killer.
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands
“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.