Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
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I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
I’m giving up ice.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?