I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
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Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!