@Tmoney68

Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.

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@ayyyyloser

Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?

-People who are about to piss you off

@MsFoxIfUrNasty

Often when swimming I still cross ankles and try to mermaid kick. Then I swim up to a random guy and sing to him until he calls security.

@UncleDuke1969

“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”

@trentistweeting

ok boss, i duck taped the hostage’s mouth shut
“you mean duct taped, right?”
um…
*cuts to hostage with live mallard stuffed in his mouth*

@abbycohenwl

I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts

@WeissBrandon

I’m “yells at people who drive too fast in my neighborhood” years old

@stephenjmolloy

Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”