TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
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Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away