Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”

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Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.


If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.


It’s 2020 – you’d think they’d be able to make a year that doesn’t suck by now


don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”


*covers himself in Nutella to hide his body heat from the Predator*


15: I smell upsexy.

Me: What the hell is upsexy?

15: Not much. What’s up with you?


To Do List While in Jail

1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”


Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.

For when you only want to be 35% sure.


Wife: Why the hell did you buy a buffalo?

Me: I’d rather have a buffalo and not need it than need a buffalo and not have it.