@ElleOhHell

Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”

You Might Also Like

@gobmentcheese

Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.

@CruisinSoozan

If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.

@lukeplusone

It’s 2020 – you’d think they’d be able to make a year that doesn’t suck by now

@robwhisman

don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”

@cbdoubleu

*covers himself in Nutella to hide his body heat from the Predator*

@mjs03093641

15: I smell upsexy.

Me: What the hell is upsexy?

15: Not much. What’s up with you?

@tuckerflodman

To Do List While in Jail

1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.

@meowsepink

Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.

For when you only want to be 35% sure.

@samfromks

Wife: Why the hell did you buy a buffalo?

Me: I’d rather have a buffalo and not need it than need a buffalo and not have it.