STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
You Might Also Like
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
only 11 steps left
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.