Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
You Might Also Like
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
just gave your address to some spiders
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.