stephen king’s mind:

what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?

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As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.


Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.


Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.

Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*

Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*


I paid My 11 old $10 to do the dishes, so on her way to the bathroom I mugged her…because, you know, life lesson.


I’m gonna start carrying breath mints around in an engagement ring box just to briefly make women really uncomfortable during conversation.


“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”

“Different fathers?”

“Shark attack.”


What is “Fine”

I’ll take passive-aggressive responses for $800, Alex…


I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko


I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.