@fiImsbi

stephen king’s mind:

what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?

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@JohnLyonTweets

As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.

@dreamthievin

Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.

@mommajessiec

Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.

Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*

Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*

@RevReee

I paid My 11 old $10 to do the dishes, so on her way to the bathroom I mugged her…because, you know, life lesson.

@_eric_alexander

I’m gonna start carrying breath mints around in an engagement ring box just to briefly make women really uncomfortable during conversation.

@Shimmersteak

“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”

“Different fathers?”

“Shark attack.”

@WestofCrazy

What is “Fine”

I’ll take passive-aggressive responses for $800, Alex…

@IamEnidColeslaw

I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko

@_RobertSchultz

I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.