I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
You Might Also Like
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.