Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
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– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
damn he’s good
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
Holy shit he’s back
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*