[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
You Might Also Like
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
Speak now or ever hold your peace
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
Breaking news:
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
Cats (2019)
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A