Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
You Might Also Like
my mom and my little brother switched phones and my mom received this text and I am crying lmaooo
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
Girls are a lot like oceans,
but once a month
it’s shark week.
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.