[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year

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Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?


my mom and my little brother switched phones and my mom received this text and I am crying lmaooo


Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know

Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid


A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*


Girls are a lot like oceans,


and deep

but once a month

it’s shark week.


when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death


Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up


You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.


I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.