@Mom_Overboard

[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year

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@jwoodham

Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?

@anna5skin

my mom and my little brother switched phones and my mom received this text and I am crying lmaooo

@PleaseBeGneiss

Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know

Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid

@HiddenPinky

A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*

@JKNenagh

Girls are a lot like oceans,

beautiful

and deep

but once a month

it’s shark week.

@sophie_mhj

when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death

@HysteriaBarbie

Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up

@FloodyHippie

You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.

@CheryeDavis

I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.